The Weigh-In
Fortunately, since I no longer reside in the UK, I was able to watch the weigh-in via a YouTube stream. This kept me perfectly safe from the usual suspects often seen roaming around Manchester and any other populated area in the United Kingdom. Heck, even Ruthin in North Wales is becoming overrun.
Eddie Hall Official Weight: 325.6 lbs
Tommy Fury Official Weight: 217.5 lbs
After a brief stint in a cage, which Eddie Hall failed to smash with some kicks, the two mates had a face-off. They shook hands, they were polite, and it was all very well-mannered.
The stark contrast between the two “fighters” was about as obvious as the two-tier policing system on the Isles where the fight is taking place.
Eddie Hall looked massive, and significantly leaner than he did when he lifted a whopping 500 kg off the floor. Tommy Fury, as always, looked lean and muscular.
Both men are totally natural athletes, of course, without a single performance-enhancing drug between them. If we were to go by looks alone, this fight would surely be worthwhile and deeply intriguing.
WHY IT MATTERS
Eddie Hall represents a throwback to a time when people from the British Isles stood for something: strength, winning, and eating massive, pork-laden breakfasts. The men conquered the world—in truth, largely to find better-looking women (just take a look at the birds from Wrexham, for example). Eddie Hall is a winner, a true record-breaker. His 500 kg deadlift was an astonishing feat of strength.
This is what Rule Britannia was all about—not the modern, pitiful state of its men and politicians, which is downright depressing. Britain craves winners like Plaid Cymru craves Sudanese men, encouraging them to take over little Welsh villages and hang out around primary schools.
Eddie Hall is outspoken, fearless, and fucking massive. He doesn’t mind chasing people outside his house in Crocs, ready to batter them. His views on immigration and taxation are perfectly in line with the majority of his native countrymen.
His boxing skills might not be as good as the below-average Tommy Fury’s, in fact, he might look a bit shit, but that isn’t the be-all and end-all. He was impressive in MMA, and if he manages to beat his pal Tommy, perhaps an MMA fight with the older brother, Tyson, could be on the cards.
WHY TOMMY NEEDS TO GO AWAY
Tommy Fury needs to turn his fragile hands to acting; he certainly has the looks to match Henry Cavill. His entire boxing persona is a gimmick that we thought had ended with his dire performance in the Jake Paul fight. He got knocked down and looked to be on the exact same level as a basically amateur YouTuber (who, unlike Tommy, has actually vastly improved since then).
In his 11 pro fights, his opponents have a combined record of 35 wins and 200 losses, yet he has been a professional boxer for almost eight years! To put this into perspective, Audley Harrison was fighting David Haye for a world title after eight years as a pro and was approaching 30 fights, and poor Audley got way more stick than Fury ever has.
Despite this, in today’s modern world, Tommy Fury still somehow has actual boxing fans. People literally stick up for him in the comment sections. Why? He is a bigger conman than Boris “I will deliver Brexit and stop the boats” Johnson.
Not that I can blame a man for making money, but it would be much better to see Eddie Hall render him unconscious and move on to bigger circus events than to have to watch Tommy do another face-off, telling everyone he is a “true fighting man.” And don’t get me started on having to endure anything from his dad, John.
DOES IT MATTER THAT THEY ARE FRIENDS?
Questions about this farce have been asked countless times. Let’s be clear: they are friends. But have you ever sparred or fought a friend? I know I have. Being the winner that he is, Eddie shouldn’t hold back.
A fight is a fight, after all. This may turn into more than a friendly spar, especially when the adrenaline kicks in, and the drunken, idiotic crowd starts baying for blood.
Unable to protect their own turf, the foolish Brits will gladly get into fisticuffs with their own ilk over a sporting event. If it all gets a bit heated, expect a few wheelie bins to be thrown at some policemen. The Brits certainly know how to riot.
WHAT TO EXPECT
Bravado, tough talk, amping up a ridiculous event. All of this has now passed, all part and parcel of selling this to the idiocracy we live in, which has left many fatigued by the whole spectacle. But we can enjoy it for what it is: a reflection of Britain as a whole right now (and it isn’t good).
This is a fight that, rightly or wrongly, brings boxing back into the minds of the British, rather than letting it get brushed aside like the children being eaten in the Epstein files. This boxing contest is not only going to unite the Kingdom with entertainment, but it is also going to cause a collision between two well-known, loved celebrity personalities who made entertaining YouTube videos together before they decided to “fight.”
Tommy Fury will want to avoid Eddie Hall, and Eddie will charge around, throwing haymakers and getting that weird, Liver King-esque skin tone when he breathes hard. Is it a real fight? I don’t know if the Brits have any fight left in them, and this circus just about sums it up. But if it is real, Britain needs Eddie Hall to win. In a lot of ways, he is the last hope Britain has. Unless you vote for Rupert Lowe.
Yours in manliness,
Fantana
